would you really give your life for your wife?

"Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave his life for her..."

I'm not a preacher. We'll get that out of the way. But I'm not married either, so I don't have a husband who'll beat or chastise me for 'usurping his authority'. And, no, my words aren't as God's, but they might be an insight that men won't get from a (male) pastor who's also a husband and - let's be honest - benefits from the situation just fine as it is.

There's a lot made of the "wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord". It's that verse that's used to justify a great deal of nasty power play in relationships as to "who wears the pants" and "who makes the decisions" and "who obeys whom". It's also a verse with a great deal of love and joy in it - I acknowledge that freely.

But you've heard a million pastors and preachers, male and female, ordained and lay tell you about "submission of women to men". Why add to that?

I'm going to toss a water-bomb into the middle of the congregation. It'll be a bit cold, and a bit surprising, and a few people might get a bit splashed and shouty because I dampened their clothes, but you'll come out of it okay.

Every preacher I've ever heard preach on the 'submission of wives' passage casually elides over the "love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave his life for her..." There's a little bit of exegesis on what 'gave his life for her' means, but it tends to be very waffly and very highfalutin'. Of course a guy would give his life for the woman he loves! If someone was holding a gun to her head, or if he could save her from a rampaging criminal, or something suitably heroic, leaping in to save the day just as Jesus did by dying on the cross for the church.

Yes, yes, I know you guys love your wives in the way a hero loves the love of his life, willing to die for her in a life-or-death scenario.

My question is: what about Jesus' three years leading up to the 'dying on the cross'? What about Jesus' life? That life he spent as an itinerant preacher, loving humanity, healing their hurts, getting his hands 'fouled' with the ritually unclean, addressing their concerns, giving up time he'd set aside for himself because the crowds - his church, his people, his wife - needed him to be present more than he needed his 'me-time'.

When a man points out the "and gave His life for her" phrase, nine times out of ten, they're talking about "life" in contrast to "death". They're not talking about "giving their life" in contrast to "living the way they want to".

How many Christian men and husbands look at Jesus' ministry to his people - his church, his wife - and think about emulating that? Do you love your wife by being present with her, getting your hands dirty with 'her' work (not 'helping' - are you a partner, or is she your servant?), listening to and addressing her concerns? Do you give up that 'you-time' on the weekend so she can have a break from the children and the house - and not just 'babysit the kids' (hint: if you're "babysitting", they're not your kids; when they're your kids - in blood or in name - you're "parenting"). And when she comes back from whatever activity she's been involved in, is the workload that settles back down upon her shoulders greater than it was when she left? Are there more dishes, more cleaning, more washing, more things to organise, more things to fix?

I have many married friends. We talk about plenty of topics - including theology, politics, health, and husbands-and-children. To a woman, every single one of them loves their husband - and their husbands are all great guys. And yet I've seen them take calls when ther husband can't find something or doesn't know something or can't deal with the kids anymore - and there's this look that they get, however carefree they've been before, that kind of sighs and says, I'll have to clean up the mess, won't I?

Now if you're giving up your life for your wife in a godly manner - being a husband and partner, not an extra child she has to herd along - jolly good, excellent, well done good and faithful servant, this piece isn't aimed at you. Don't get defensive, the last thing I need a bunch of hysterical guys saying I'm accusing them of Doin' It Rong. (Guys can totally get hysterical; observe the most dramatic reactions to: Max Mad: Fury Road, Ghostbusters 2016, Episode VII, and the announcement of the 13th Doctor.)

But perhaps the next time someone starts talking about 'wifely submission', you might also think about 'husbandly giving up' and just how you're doing on that front. Also, how much you complain about the things you have to give up (your time, that trip with your mates, that time away) to your wife, to your kids, to your friends. How many verses in the bible are there about Jesus complaining to the disciples: "Wow, these people don't appreciate me! I'm giving up my life for them, and they're just not grateful!"

there is not a married woman I've ever met and chatted with - and certainly no mother - who has ever felt that her husband truly lifted her load as Jesus has lifted the burden of guilt from the church. And yes, we are imperfect humanity in the face of divinity, but still.