a new heaven and a new earth

I've always thought Easter is a little maligned by secular society. Christmas gets all the PR, but Easter is one of those 'fly by nights' - not a 'real holiday' at all. Then again, isn't that the primary response to the message of the cross?

This Easter, given my physical issues, I have been very very grateful for that message - the reminder that Christians, too, will be resurrected with Jesus. That if we died with him, we also will rise again with him. That these bodies are not final, that this is not all there is. It's a relief for me to think that, to carry that awareness of mortality, of a temporary existence.

On the health front, some answers, but not for the tooth.

The tingling appears related to diet - cutting out salicylates (tomatoes, onions, soy sauce, other strong-flavoured foods) has definitely helped, although having to live without the ibuprofen family of anti-inflammatories has made things more difficult since I've developed a swelling in the gum that doesn't appear to be going away.

A scan of my jaw found an abcess/chronic infection; it looks related to a tooth that had a root canal done on it fifteen years ago and hasn't given any trouble until now. The abcess might explain the swollen gum, but there's also doubts about that since the infection looks chronic - like it's been there for a while, just biding its time. My option is to get the root canal re-done, or to get it extracted. Each option has complication and issues related to it, and I need to pray for wisdom in my choices. But at least I have choices (given by a new dentist and endodontist, both of whom were a bit more helpful than my usual ones, who make me feel like I'm one in a production line).

At this point, my thought is to extract the tooth with the old root canal, clear out the infection underneath, and with that out of the way, start working out the gum swelling, the new root canal, and the physical issues that may very well be linked to the abcess. The old root canal needs to be fixed at some point; and with everything else going on, better to do it now and clear it out of the way.

What has this to do with Easter? Well, only in the sense that I spent this Easter very well aware that my body isn't working the way it should; the way I want it to. I ended up on antibiotics, and learned that I now have a limited number of 'spoons' to use in a day. I spent a lot of time trying not to fret over all the sensations in my body (and mostly failing), while cooking and preparing food that won't trigger intolerance symptoms.

And, perhaps surprisingly, giving thanks. Because I may not have perfect health anymore, but I have a sense of humour, and a house, and a family that loves me. I have a God who thought I was worth redeeming, even though I didn't naturally want to be redeemed. I have the hope of a new heaven and a new earth - of a new body that won't ever break down or fail or suffer food intolerances...

As lives go, that's pretty good. I have to learn to adjust, but, as my psychologist pointed out today, that's not a bad thing. Life is fluid, and we need to learn to live it in the now, not in the 'as it was'.

And this 'now' is not perfect, nor will ever be. So putting my faith in this rotting meatsack (thank you, Bender) is kind of pointless; it serves me well enough, so long as I'm serving the God who showed his love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Happy Easter!

Isaiah 43 - they lie down, they cannot rise, and it is enough.

In the last four months my health has gone down very swiftly.

Starting with a slight swelling in my foot, working through a tooth filling gone seriously wrong, currently in a state of parasthesia (tingling and buzzing) in my right hand and right foot, and battling exhaustion, possibly due to all these issues converging together, possibly due to one of the 'nebulous' health maladies like CFS or Lyme Disease.

All the concrete tests have come back negative, and I'm struggling with my body and it's new limitations, when once I could do anything I wanted just about anytime.

It's been a rough and uncomfortable journey - not only physically, but mentally, and emotionally.

Spiritually... It's been uplifting in many ways.

I've had the call to comprehend my own mortality in the last year. Starting with my cousin T, whose last months of life were depicted in swift, sure strokes by our Creator's brush, before He took her home. An emotional and spiritual challenge for me: T was two weeks older than me and one of the people of my own age whom I admired greatly. We weren't close, but her life was a joy and a blessing, even from the distance that her energy levels required. And T was so certain of her faith, so sure in the resurrection of Jesus and of her own redemption all the way to the end. Did I carry that certainty, too?

The last few months have made me question who I am, why I'm here on this planet. It's made me understand the sinfulness of the world, and how sin has permeated everything - our broken and struggling bodies, our quenched and drowning spirits. Eternal life in these bodies would be hell, indeed. God has promised to make us anew - first spiritually, then, after death, in the new heaven and Earth that he's prepared for us.

Today's thoughts are based off the reading from my ABM Lent 2016 app:

Thus says the Lord,
who makes a way in the sea,
a path in the mighty waters,
who brings out chariot and horse,
army and warrior;
they lie down, they cannot rise,
they are extinguished, quenched like a wick:
"Do not remember the former things,
or consider the things of old.
I am about to do a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.
The wild animals will honour me,
the jackals and the ostriches;
for I give water in the wilderness,
rivers in the desert,
to give drink to my chosen people,
the people whom I formed for myself so that they might declare my praise."
~ Isaiah 43:16-21 ~

Personally, I've always preferred Isaiah 40:31 "They that hope in the Lord will renew their strength..." So much more uplifting! So much more encouraging!

And yet, right now, it's harder to be uplifted and encouraged.

This passage spoke to me today.

Do not remember the former things, or consider the things of old... One of the issues I'm struggling with right now is the prospect of all the things I haven't done. The things I thought I would have 'later' to do and quite possibly may not; certainly not as I imagined them. My physical strength these days is extinguished, quenched like a wick - I'm hoarding my energy to do the things that are most important right now.

I can't live in the past (and I'm going to find a psych to talk this through with); I have to look forward. And while I struggle with the loss of my physical capabilities and the prospect that this may be long-term, or even permanent, this verse reminds me that God is about to do a new thing; to make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. And I'm well aware that this 'way in the wilderness' may not necessarily be a physical improvement; that it might be a spiritual challenge to draw closer to God than I've been walking these last few years, and to meet Him in a place where I don't have the strength, but He does. I don't think that's a bad thing; I've become spiritually complacent in the last couple of years, and it's been troubling me - although not enough to do anything about it until this year.

"For I...give drink to my chosen people, the people whom I formed for myself so that they might declare my praise."

This has been something that I've learned in the last six months - that really hit home with T's life and her death: we are here to declare God's praise. That's all. It's a horrifying thing to someone who doesn't believe; aren't we worth more than this? But somehow, in the trembling knowledge that life is short and I may never leave the mark I wanted to leave on the world, it's enough for me to say, "I am here to declare God's praise."

I don't know if I can explain it, or if people reading this will understand, but it satisfies something in me.